The Cheapest Painting
Money Can Buy
honest. You want your house painted, but you don't want to pay
the outrageous prices a legitimate contractor charges. You don't
care if he has no insurance, uses poor quality paint, hires
illegal aliens, or does anything else. That's his business. You
just want your house painted. Cheap.
Captain Otto's Painting and
Seafood understands this. That is why we offer the cheapest
painting money can buy. We work diligently to cut every cost to
the bone and beyond. We don't bother with insurance or licensing
because these would add to our costs. We aren't concerned with
making a profit, because frankly, we aren't even sure how to
calculate a profit.
We don't spend lots of money on
vehicle upkeep. Actually, we have no vehicles to maintain. Our
unskilled workers arrive on the job site like a pack of wild
dogs, primarily because they are a pack of wild dogs. Ravenous
from days of foraging for scraps, they will tear through your
landscaping, eager to complete your job so that they can claim
the two cans of Alpo we pay them. We could go the the expense of
trying to protect your landscaping, but that would add to the
cost. And besides, your landscaping will grow back.
We don't advertise because that
costs money, and we never seem to have any. But that helps save
you money, and that is our only goal. We don't employ slick
dressing, high pressure salesmen. We offer a flat rate for all
work. A one-story house costs $595 to paint, and a two-story
house costs $895 to paint.
We don't care how big your house is,
what it is made of, or anything else. We call this our Purrfect
Painting Program, and you can learn more about it on our
Because we believe in operating
our business with honesty and integrity, we do not try to hide
how we achieve our cheap prices. Everything about us is cheap,
including the paint we use and the workers we hire. That is why
our motto is Caveat Emptor.
You can certainly buy a better
paint job, but you would have to go to the ends of hell to find
a cheaper paint job. And by the time we are done with your job,
you may think that you have gone to the ends of hell. But don't
even think about suing us. If you do, the judge will say (after
he stops laughing), "What did you expect? You hired cats to
paint your house."